I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
