My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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