Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
