TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
