The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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