Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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