I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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