Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
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