My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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