Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
