At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
