You're my little dorito
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
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