I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
