i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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