you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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