When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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