My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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