I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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