last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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