We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
