At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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