i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
