I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize