love makes seman taste better
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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