My liver just broke up with me...
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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