This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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