I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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