Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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