you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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