Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
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