I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
