i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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