my room smells like sperm. sweet.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
