you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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