I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
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