update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Randomize
