So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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