dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
