im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Randomize