Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
