I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
