I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
