So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
