please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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