people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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