when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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