Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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