Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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