Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
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