dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
