his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
