She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
