the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
