woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
