my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
