how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
