do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
