I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
