I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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