I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize