someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
