My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
